In early January I fledged the nest for the second time , I had a job a lovely little house which I was renting , with a lovely housemate life just seemed peachy .
my birthday passed and I couldn’t be happier I got a new convertible car (which had always been a cheeky little dream.) and life seemed to be tootling by just nicely.
but then in early June I started to feel strange , I had emotions that I just couldn’t physically name I just had never felt like this before it was almost like a mixture of panic and I weird twisting feeling in the pit of my stomach , I started to seclude myself from the world I left social events early to sit in my room on my own and ball my eyes out . I didn’t tell anyone , I daren’t . what if they thought I was crazy?, am I normal?, what is this? , will they have to section me?. the thoughts that poured out my head were obscene looking back at them but id never felt anything like this .
days passed by and things got worse and worse the feelings were becoming more and more regular and I felt like I was in a big hole that I was never going to climb out of ever , I felt nobody would understand . until I was at a friends house id had a couple of glasses of wine which didn’t help and burst into tears.
“I really cant handle this anymore.” I think were my exact words , “I think I’m going crazy ” were a few others .
after releasing that I felt like a small weight had been lifted off my shoulders , but I was so scared with what her reply was going to be after I had explained everything.
“don’t worry, it be ok” .. knowing that I had someone to speak to about it made be feel so much better , but not knowing what it was making me feel like this worried me , some nights I would feel like my throat was closing up with anxiety I’d go hot shaken, ,light headed .
I finally plucked up and told my mum many nights of crying down the phone hoping for reassurance she finally convinced me to go and see a doctor , I was so nervous I was just going to burst into tears I had everything all prepared and written down as soon as I sat down uncontrollable tears rolled down my face ..I sobbed so hard mostly because I couldn’t take anymore of this wanted out anything to make this go away feeling but mixed with relief big relief , this was key out of this hell hole!. I passed her the note I had written , she looked at me with calming eyes . talked to me and explained I am depressed.
I walked out looking a state but I didn’t care it was the calmest I had felt in a long.. long time , just knowing what this disorder was and what it was about I was prescribed anti-depressants but were told they are not a miracle pill I would need to wait to get it into my system , the next couple of weeks were hard but I coped with an amazing support network . I started to smile , go out and forget about the feelings which once had me trapped , I was free .
those for me were some of the darkest times in my life, I felt miserable and had thought once or twice about ending my life because of this horrible disorder.
I guess I’m writing this because I trawled and trawled the internet in some sort of hope there was someone out there that was feeling the same as me to make me feel somewhat “normal” whatever normal is . but I couldn’t find an awful lot .
I’m not ashamed … this experience has only made me a stronger person, there’s always a way out , there’s always people to help .. never ever ever give up the first step is the hardest but once your there and you take it , it only gets easier .