Ok , so where do I start, last year have been some of my best times of my life mainly because my beautiful neice and gorgeous fairy god daughter were born , but they have also been some of my darkest. for those of you that have read my blog before you will have seen some posts about my mental health and how I have handled and dealt with it in the past .
so where do I start, the beginings always the best right? , so I’m struggling still till this day but as the days going by its getting better and better, I’m constantly feeling the need to explain myself to people when I feel anxious, mainly to explain why I am shaking frantically and acting rather odd. its hard I’m fed up of it and to be honest the only thing ,getting me through this is the thought I have a neice a god- daughter and beautiful family and friends.
ok so enough ramblings it started last year , but was manageable and wasn’t quite as intense as it is at the moment, I was stood in a the shopping queue ready to pay and for some reason panic just washed over me , I felt like I couldn’t breathe , I was shaking , hot and my mind was racing at 3000 miles an hour. nothing triggered this .. nothing whats so ever , I wanted to run but the thought of making a massive fool of myself even more so is what held my space in that shop. the whole fact nothing triggered it put me in a state of unidentifiable turmoil as I couldn’t prevent what made me feel that way as it was NOTHING!.
days went by and feelings got harder , going to work was the only place that it didn’t effect me but eventually the empty scary feelings crept over me and I could no longer contain my emotions any longer which lead me to break down and confide in a close co -worker whilst I was on shift. it was effecting and still is in every open aspect of my life , at my worst points even being at home was a panic and struggle, I just wanted to be me again . the me that enjoys going out , socialising instead of scrutinising myself and full force and panicking every living day about being anxious.
it got to the point of my not wanting to be here any longer , I cant live like this forever I would often say to my mum , but then felt instantly guilty as I watched her world crumble around her and break down into floods of tears , I knew deep down I would never do anything to end my life , but the thought felt like ecstasy compared to what I was going through in my negative whizzing mind .
I think the physical symptoms of the shaking and breathing made things harder , because it was something I just couldn’t cover up and people would notice and question if I was ok . when all I really wanted was to get on with my life and just feel invisible.
it was embarrassing , but as times gone on I still have my stumbles and falls if not more frequently than I would like but I am finding new ways to deal with these things, talking to people helps massively but I found that although people are willing to listen , they find it hard to comprehend if they have not experienced it in some way shape or form. which is respectfully understandable , I’m not asking for you to understand just for an ear whilst I’m struggling. which most people give willingly and I will forever be grateful to those wonderful people .
I have found that breathing exercises help massively , breathing in for four , holding for four and the breathing out for 8 doing this several times can help me feel a lot better in a situation of panic. in helps to control thoughts and gives you something else to focus on.
so that’s my story , sorry its taken so long to update .
please comment and if you have any experiences please feel free to share.
talk soon lovely’s take care.