Anxious anxiety .

Ok , so where do I start, last year have been some of my best times of my life mainly because my beautiful neice and gorgeous fairy god daughter were born ,  but they have also been some of my darkest. for those of you that have read my blog before you will have seen some posts about my mental health and how I have handled and dealt with it in the past .

so where do I start, the beginings always the best right? , so I’m struggling still till this day but as the days going by its getting better and better, I’m constantly feeling the need to explain myself to people when I feel anxious, mainly to explain why I am shaking frantically and acting rather odd.  its hard I’m fed up of it and to be honest the only thing ,getting me through this is the thought I have a neice a god- daughter and beautiful family and friends.

ok so enough ramblings it started last year , but was manageable and wasn’t quite as intense as it is at the moment, I was stood in a the shopping queue ready to pay and for some reason panic just washed over me , I felt like I couldn’t breathe , I was shaking , hot and my mind was racing at 3000 miles an hour. nothing triggered this .. nothing whats so ever , I wanted to run but the thought of making a massive fool of myself even more so is what held my space in that shop. the whole fact nothing triggered it put me in a state of unidentifiable turmoil as I couldn’t prevent what made me feel that way as it was NOTHING!.

days went by and feelings got harder , going to work was the only place that it didn’t effect me but eventually the empty scary feelings crept over me and I could no longer contain my emotions any longer which lead me to break down and confide in a close co -worker whilst I was on shift. it was effecting and still is in  every open aspect of my life , at my worst points even being at home was a panic and struggle, I just wanted to be me again . the me that enjoys going out , socialising instead of scrutinising myself and full force and panicking every living day about being anxious.

it got to the point of my not wanting to be here any longer , I cant live like this forever I would often say to my mum , but then felt instantly guilty as I watched her world crumble around her and break down into floods of tears , I knew deep down I would never do anything to end my life , but the thought felt like ecstasy compared to what I was going through in my negative whizzing mind .

I think the physical symptoms of the shaking and breathing made things harder , because it was something I just couldn’t cover up and people would notice and question if I was ok . when all I really wanted was to get on with my life and just feel invisible.

it was embarrassing , but as times gone on I still have my stumbles and falls if not more frequently than I would like but I am finding new ways to deal with these things, talking to people helps massively but I found that although people are willing to listen , they find it hard to comprehend if they have not experienced it in some way shape or form. which is respectfully understandable , I’m not asking for you to understand just for an ear whilst I’m struggling. which most people give willingly and I will forever be grateful to those wonderful people .

I have found that breathing exercises help massively , breathing in for four , holding for four and the breathing out for 8 doing this several times can help me feel a lot better in a situation of panic. in helps to control thoughts and gives you something else to focus on.

so that’s my story , sorry its taken so long to update .

please comment and if you have any experiences please feel free to share.

talk soon lovely’s take care.

 

 

 

 

FORGET mommy blogger .. meet the new auntie blogger.

Okay i know i know this post should have been like three whole months ago!.

buuuuut

shes born , my beautiful neice Sofia was born 31st of July at 5.23am and weighing in at a perfect 7lb7oz.

i honestly couldn’t be more happier.

Although absolutely perfect in every single way , the birth didn’t go quite to plan, as Sofia decided to be a little stubborn and not breathe and then we found out the bad news of her having meningitis.

but she is now a happy healthy girl 🙂

beautiful Sofia

beautiful Sofia

Dear sofia…. my beautiful niece.

Dear sofia,
To my unborn niece , we are all so excited to meet you beautiful girl, mummy and daddy have got everything ready and they are just waiting for your very special arrival, your mummy went to the midwives today I think your going to prove to be very stubborn indeed, like your mother. The midwives told her that your lying back to back and to expect a long labour , you mum was far from chuffed with this news , in fact she was so disheartened she ran out to the super market and bought 2 litres worth of pineapple juice and a whole fresh pineapple, I think she’s trying to tell you to vacate the premises sweetie. I’d take the hint if I was you .
We have all spoilt you so much already , I’m so excited to see you in the clothes I have got you. Not to long ago I bought a crocheting kit , it was to crochet a monkey that I was going to give to your mummy when you were born , I’m sorry to say sofia but it nearly ended up through my window and across the street , nobody told me that crocheting would be so bloody hard!!! I should have listed to my best friend when she said with a slight amount of suprise to her voice …. “your going to do that?” I rather confidently said yes and then said I was doing her little girl one too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well that’s never going too happen.
So my little mooch it’s your call , we are all waiting for you my darling it’s your call (apart from August the 4th , don’t leave it that late , because if you don’t come soon that’s the day you’ll be induced… sorry to break it too you kiddo.)
So my lovely girl you will be the most loved little girl in the world , so many people are waiting for you , I bet it’s making you feel like a little celeb right now , well enjoy it … It wears off after a while , unless of course you actually do become a celeb well then you’ll just have a lifetime of people following you around with cameras haha.
Love you moochie,  so much already , can’t wait to hug you tightly and kiss you so you can feel a small proportion of just how much I love you already.
Take care sweetie and ill meet you soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The dating game …

Once upon a time going out into town and having a few drinks wasn’t about getting so wasted you could barely remember your own name . Now in 2015 this is very much the case and seems to be an overall objective .
I’m 25 and single and I really can’t express how hard it is to find that “special someone” if they really exist , dating sites are probably one of the best ways to go about it these days but I haven’t got a nice word to say about them at the minute (maybe because I’m feeling bitter inside ).
I’ve been on dating sites for a few months now and have had no success , it hard , people are so different when they are stuck behind a screen typing than if you were to have met them face to face right from the beginning meaning that online dating is twice as hard and if your serious about the search you go through twice as many men .. tossing them aside like trash in the bin because you just aren’t compatible.
A few months a go I met a guy let’s for names sake call him James. .. He was lovely, we messaged constantly for a few weeks until we decided to talk on the phone , we laughed , joked and it all just felt so right . So then came the day when we had decided to meet , McDonald’s of all places (I know what your all thinking , classy place right?) We went a walk , chatted a little went back to McDonald’s to get a drink (how romantic) , but there was just no spark, no connection and the exciting stomach churning (no it wasn’t what I had eaten) butterfly feeling I had felt previously had disappeared completely . Hence James and I went on our way and contact fizzled out into nothingness.
The next online date was just too painfully awkward to comprehend so ill save that story for a very rainy day .
So I’m lost , lost in a world of confusion with dating .
The next step is to rent a billboard …. and you think I’m joking !

Life… as I know it…

It’s hard to comprehend the reasons of why your life turns out the way it does, but I’ve always lived by the quote everything “happens for a reason.” And although I do times find these words hard to understand; especially when it involves the death of a loved one in always find comfort in this phrase.
So where do I start , you would think with not writing a post for as long as I have that the words would be at the tip of my fingers, well as usual that would be a very false statement to make. So much changed and is changing still to this very day .
My life however seems too be not where I expected or planned it to be when I was ten , in my ten year old head I would be married , a midwife, have my own home oh and have lots of children (oh how naive was i). The older I get the faster life seems to be going and I just haven’t got the much needed control over that as I desire. I feel The pressure even more so as I am seeing my friends and family getting married or engaged , happy with a partner and having children. I’m not jealous but boy am I envious !. This is not how I wanted nor expected my life to pan out , and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to grasp the basics of life to have what I need so very badly .
Finding my partner and having children ares some of the most important things to me , and even if I don’t find someone to settle down with I will have children by going down the sperm donation  route of things , it’s just something I can’t miss out on !.
Life is as it is and understanding the saying everything happens for a reason helps deal with the trials and tribulations of my life as I know it .

A letter to the future me …

Dear jess,
Well I hope your ok for starters ! And are living happily. I hope you’ve moved out and met someone nice … I so hope you’ve become slightly more responsible with your money missy! , I hope you’ve got Tiny little tiddlers running you around a driving you crazy ( in a good way) . I hope you’ve seen more of the world places that have opened your eyes and your heart .. I hope you still make visits back to mum and dads and I hope you tell them everyday how much they mean to you and that you love them!! . I hope you still spend time with your best friend and your sister these two people are priceless amazing people never stop loving them !.

I hope you’ve grown patience ! , I hope your married to a man not only you love but that’s your best friend also .
I hope your happy and healthy and thouse Around you are too!.
Xxxxxx stay smiling chicka

Fireworks.

Well what a lovely weekend I had , it seems so far away right now . But it was fantastic all the same.
Our city puts on a free concert every year for anybody who wants to turn up , and how brilliant it is . It’s classical music and it’s something I’ve never been keen on but I’ve gone the past three years I’ve attended and loved it , the atmosphere is always amazing with conversations bustling and people laughing and joking and great picnics and alcohol flowing . I attended with my newly married best friend , we sat in a cosy half tent with a huge picnic to feed the five thousand ( which the dogs later broke into and ate !!!) . And copious amounts of alcohol . It was an amazing catch up and the fireworks afterwards were equally amazing .

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By the end of the night I was a bit slozzled and looked rather equally like this –

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Good night had by all I think 🙂

Where do I begin …

Well my two weeks off work have just disappeared .
I’ve spent most of my time socialising with friends I don’t often get to see , due to hectic work schedules and attending the best wedding I’ve ever been too.
But most of all I’ve spent time looking after my best friends animals and boy have they kept me on my toes. Two cats one pregnant and two dogs , one being a 7 month old puppy , boy oh boy .. when I offered to do this I didn’t realise just what I’d taken on ! . Let me introduce you.
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Milo dog 🙂 . Believe it or not a beautiful rescue.

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Lyla the 7 month old German Shepard.

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Loki (the god of mischief) he like to think he’s the head of the crew.

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And last but not least introducing lady Lola .

All gorgeous all wonderful . But bring feeding time or walking time into the equation and boy are you in trouble ! .
I’ve spent majority of my time nursing scratch marks off the kitties and sowing my arm back on after it’s repeatedly torn off by lyla every time we go on ventures .
All in all I can safely say I’m not ready of a husky a German Shepard or two cats ( not that I was ever contemplating it ). But it’s been a lovely eye opening experience.

I’m a google doctor .. How can I help …

I’m one of these people who hates going to the doctors, I literally only go when I have too. Don’t ask me why it’s just how I am .. There’s something about sitting in a doctors surgery
or being in a hospital that makes my nerve endings shake involuntary.
So I’ve taken up a new profession … I somehow think I’m a google doctor . So it started with a small pain after eating and during , it was a buggy pain and after a week of still having it panic set in .
The big C word circled,turned and entwined in my thoughts .
So I ventured onto the trusty google.
I managed to diagnose myself with a multitude of things as follows :
– oesophageal cancer
– stomach cancer
– Gerd
-signs of lung cancer .
What the heck my head spinning , tears bubbling up .. I instantly started thinking about how my family will deal with this . How bad I don’t want to leave this earth yet , I haven’t got children a partner , I’ve not been married , I’m not where I want to be in life. , all the pretty places I will miss out on seeing .
I bought my concerns up with many close people who some have had very similar things to me and all say it’s acid reflux .. So tip of the day don’t I internet diagnose , they bring up the worst possible scenarios !! Which. Can leave you torturing yourself ! Like I did myself!
Stay cool , take. Trip to the docs !!

Here comes the bride …

It started off the night before the wedding with many drinks , champagne , good food and laughs bursting with fabulous conversation .

The bride and myself stopped at her mums awaiting the wedding , I think it’s safe to say not a wink of sleep was to be had!, the morning of the wedding we rushed off to the hairdressers where we sipped on fizzy bubbly , chatted and once again laughed amongst close friends and family , make up and hair looking fabulous we quickly walked back to her mums to slip on dresses pick up the flowers and jump in the cars :).

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Brides and bridesmaid shoes.

Once there my previous worries about nerves kicked in and there was no other option but to shake uncontrollably , regardless to see I marched on and got through it , what fantastic and proud day it was.

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